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Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Idol Hands (Are Douchekey's Workshop)

Oh yes, it's back. Same old Idol, brand new faces.

But will I be rewarded or tortured?

(Truth be told, likely both. The ratio, however?: That's the determinate here.)

Last season was enormously successful for me, despite much fuckery early on. The end was nothing short of miraculous, and the saving grace of one of the most blatantly and overly manipulated TPTB acts I've ever witness on any reality show. We won't even delve into the ASSinine soap operatic Lifetime Sunday evening TV-movie-inspired Top 13, with M. Night Shyamalan bullshit twists galore. We'll ignore the batshit insane sparkle cow contigency and their season-long yeasting within their Monistat-7th Heaven of horrors.

Initially campaigning against the human sloth, Danny Gokey, and his heavily pimped cohorts, I encouraged other infuriated watchers to "vote for eye candy", so I could have something pleasant to look at during the Idol Tour rounds amongst all the fuggos (excluding Megan Joy, who is a babe...but I don't do vajayjay, no matter how much they may CAW at me).

That eye candy just happened to be Kris Allen (astutely nicknamed HBD--Hot By Default--by my favorite American Idol recapper, TopIdol).

Around that time, his "Over the Rainbow" cover surfaced and I was actually digging his vocals. I thought he did a superior job to Jason Castro's somewhat overrated, though still commendable, season 7 take. So I sensed he had talent brewing underneath, and I thought in an alternate universe and less janked season, he could manage a surprise win. But really, I just wanted to see if I could encourage people to inject some cute into the kennel club of a Top 13.

All the while though, I maintained a pro-VFTW mindset, especially after news broke that Douchekey was a member of some scientology-like church cult, full of shady money-grubbing ways and fundie intolerance. It was later an enormous, and pleasant, relief when it became apparent that Kris was the anti-Gokey, a true Christian guy, full of acceptance and pro-gay sentiments.

I loved the loony goddess, Tatiana Del Toro, who provided much entertainment during the dreariest moments of the season. I was tickled by Normund Gentle, the rare caricature who is actually FUNNY. Unfortunately for the wonderfully satirical, this season made conscious efforts to assrape them with a rusty rake at every turn.

But then, the miraculous happened--my inklings about Kris proved to actually hold water. There was definitely an investment, supporting someone I didn't expect to even get on tour, and watching him not only advance week-to-week, but actually DOMINATE the competition, musically speaking. His soothing, but subtle, voice combined with his refreshing, contemporary arrangements of songs, in addition to his humble, and quietly funny, personality, actually managed to do what AI always intends, but consistently fails to do: leave me feeling exulted for a contestant's journey.

Hell...I actually voted from the first week to the last--on four motherfucking telephonic devices. Yup, I was definitely a tard this time around. It's no shock that I'd consider him my favorite Idol. (Granted, I've only been watching since season 5. I'm sure I'd love Kelly Clarkson as well.) Speaking of which, it's no surprise that these two are perhaps the most entertaining and fun to follow on Twitter--or rather, vicariously follow through others who report their shenanigans.

And 'twas all motivated by my desire to see TPTB get a big ol' bitchslap of truth: that their bullshit antics are in vain, and it leaves (the sane) voters feeling aggravated. It's one of the factors behind the establishment of VFTW, for fuck's sake.

This isn't to say I wasn't entertained by any others in the finals though. Group 2 + Anoop Desai all had their charms. Matt Giraud grew on me like the mole (affectionately named Quatto by TopIdol) on his forehead with some top-notch performances. And the aforementioned hottie, Megan, is perhaps THE most awesome contestant ever on the show. Hilarious, down-to-Earth, kooky, and she CAWS! And lest I forget, her antics led to the best, funniest, and completely unboring results show in the history of the show...despite the fact that she flapped her wings for good that night....

And then, Allison Iraheta (lovingly referred to as La Princessa Del Mariachi by, natch, TopIdol), another underdog, had a marvelously dorky persona and no filter. She turned in numerous great performances throughout, and deserved a Final 3 slot over that insipid tool. And though I can't stand him one bit these days as he famewhores his way into irrelevance, Adam Lambert turned in some memorable performances as well. I was rooting for the Kradam finale long before it became feasibly plausible.

Still, the post-show inanity (amusingly endearing Kradam antics aside) was the final straw in my attempts to be pro-AI anymore. It's a suckfest, with marginally acceptable moments blended in.

There are certainly a bevy of eccentric, fascinating contenders this season, but I merely want to see them go as far into the Top 12 as possible just 'cause they're more worthy. They're much more fun to root for and champion for a potentially realistic win--while I encourage complete support for VFTW antics this season and onward. Together, aligned, this season could be the single, most bizarre yet!

This season seems to have been tailor-made for them, with plenty of awful contestants with varying degrees of suck. I'm wholly digging their current picks, who are insanely entertaining in their own ridiculous ways, and will restore the joys of watching and mocking Idol, as they were in the glory days (aka not season 8).

And with that said, it's time to recap and critique the girls' night performances...which would've been awesome had it included the VFTW legend that never was:

Oh Shannon Ann Marie Turner, how I wish we knew thee.

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